The Saga of the Stove

It all started, I believe, when I decided to buy a twenty-pound propane cylinder to use for a Mr. Heater unit in the cabin and for cooking fuel while on this southwest tour. Back in October, I went to the Agway in New Paltz and they had only one unit left. I bought it, slightly upset at the price, which was something like $25. Unfilled.

When I got the cylinder home, the first night I hooked it up to the Mr. Heater and could not make it work. Not a good omen. A few days later I called the company, assuming there was something wrong with the heater or way I had hooked it up. The service agent explained that the new cyclinders have a 'vacuum purge' system, apparently to insure the consumer does not get shorted when having the cylinder filled, which has an unintended side effect. The slightest amount of pressure, when first connecting the hoses and opening the valves, somehow tells...something...inside the hose mechanism that there is a problem, and the gas flow is shut down.

Great....

I stand witness to the fact that the defect works just fine. I've had troubles every single time I had to reconnect the hose and use the thing. But after a few false starts, I understood how to cajole the set up for my Mr. Heater.

Then I hit the road.

Traveling in a van, I felt it would be a little cumbersome, if not unsafe, to keep the cylinder/hose/stove connected, but as of today I refuse to disconnect the thing unless absolutely necessary. It's just too ridiculous, trying to get the gas to flow with each fresh connection.

But all this is really just back-story. The saga really started the first time I stopped along the highway for dinner, back on November 15^th, 2010. I pulled into a rest stop area somewhere in western New York, anticipating my first meal on the road. Having been cooking on a camp stove daily since May, I was used to that; it would not be a novelty of any sort. Nor would the gathering of each and every item needed for the meal preparation beforehand. Cooking out of a cooler/camp stove, outside, IS different that in the convenience of a modern kitchen, as anyone who has gone camping is aware, but again, I had been living that way in the cabin. I was used to it. The new twist would be that I had to remove the various food/gear bins from the storage areas within the van. Cooler, spices, water, vegetables, pasta, etc.; each stored in a different location, some easily accessed, and some needing more effort, especially in the beginning, when I couldn't remember where I had put many of the items.

After patiently, and with some annoyance with my bad organization, I gathered everything needed to make my favorite meal – bean burritos in a pot. I hooked up the stove, turned on the valve, clicked the Pietzo lighter and....nothing. Trying again – a few times – I realized there wasn't the familiar hissing of flowing gas.

“Oh crap,” I thought. “The stupid cylinder.”

Disconnecting everything, I set it back up and....couldn't get gas flow. I found a thin stick to manually purge the back-up of gas that had accumulated at the valve, as the guy from Mr. Heater had explained in his tutorial on getting the damned thing to work. Technology....

Still nothing.

I must have taken down/set back up/turned valves for the assembly in every possible combination. Three times. FINALLY the set up must have decided to stop resisting, and worked. Fifteen rather frustrating minutes had passed; it seemed like longer, and though it wasn't really that cold outside, I imagined how untenable this would be when it WAS cold. Or windy. Or I was tired. Or running behind whatever sort of a schedule I was one. Or just expecting an item I had paid good money for to work properly.....

And so the saga began.

Each – and every – time I went to cook so much as a cup of tea; if I had disconnected the hose, I found myself in an epic reprisal. And some of those times it WAS cold. Or windy. Or cold and windy, and I was tired.... Never found myself tethered with any real sort of a schedule but that's beside the point. It was REALLY annoying.

I called the cylinder manufacturer and spoke to a very nice man who couldn't help me. The best he came up with – because he has the exact same problem with HIS cylinder, which he uses on his home grill – is to hook it up and let the thing sit five minutes before attempting to use the thing.

“Oh, for crying out loud” I thought. But this was the best advice I was going to get, FROM a representative of a company who has very likely had a fair number of similar calls since the new “vacuum purge” regulations went into effect, and so I resigned myself to do it.

It didn't work.

And so, for the next several days, I fidgeted and fussed with the stove connections, eventually hitting on some quirk of combinations that would get it to light. And then the hissing started....

It was a cold, rainy night, and I was squatting in front of the stove while camped at the Pit, hoping to heat up a serving of soup, both to warm myself and have dinner. At first I thought it was the regular gas flow, but I hadn't yet turned the knob. As I wasn't ready to light the stove yet, I went to turn off the stove valve, assuming it had bumped something during the day, leaving it open. Both knobs were turned to the off position.

And still, the hissing continued.

It was definitely gas; I could smell it, and it was coming from a tiny hole(part of the design) on the regulator. Leaking gas, eight inches from the stove burners....I wouldn't be cooking tonight.

The next morning I tried again, thinking the previous nights issue was just one of those stupid “rough day” events. Nope. The hiss was still there.

How annoying.

I went into Joshua Tree and had coffee at the Park Rock Cafe, part of the park's Visitor Center. Then I was off, checking every sporting/camping store in the area, in hopes of finding a replacement hose, though in my heart I knew it was fruitless.

It was.

Finally I decided I'd need to buy a damned replacement stove. The problem was that they all come fit for one pound disposable cylinders, and no stores carry the extension hose adapter to fit on a twenty pounder. As well, I knew the chances of finding the brand of stove I had(since I already also had the adapter hose to connect to the larger cylinder) was unlikely. And so I tried to see if any of the stoves could be hooked up to my adapter hose. They couldn't.

I then called the manufacture of the stove, wondering if I could have them send me a replacement hose for the section that was leaking. After all, the stove itself was fine. Calling the Customer Service number, a person answered who obviously had no technical knowledge of their products. When I explained my predicament, and asked if there was anyone who could help me, she said “This is Customer Service; we can't help you.”

Oh...kay.

I thought perhaps I just wasn't stating the case clearly, and tried again. To the lady's credit, she, too, tried to help. But the best she could suggest was that I return the stove to the store I had purchased it from. They apparently don't have the ability to pull a hose from the warehouse inventory and send it to a customer.

Now I was angry. I know that our world has become a culture of planned obsolescence. We don't fix things anymore; we replace them. Even when it's just one small part of the system that is broken.

Maybe some people would say my stove had worked for a decent time frame – I'd used it daily from September 1^st, 2009 through November of that year, and then again daily from May 1^st, 2010 until that fateful day in mid December when it sprang it's leak. I probably would have thought so myself, less than a year ago. After all, it wasn't really an expensive item, as far as products go... At $70, it was the standard cost for a two-burner propane camp stove, but people spend $70 now days on a ticket to a show and call it a bargain. Spending $70 on dinner and a movie for two would put you in the cheapskate category in a lot of people's minds.

But living in the cabin this year, and losing more than half my income in the past year, I had a different perspective. It wasn't that I didn't have enough money to live on that made me think the stove should not have died so quickly; it's that I realized PLENTY of people DO live on the money I was living on, and it's just NOT acceptable to say “too bad” when products they pay a good portion of their money for don't work for any length of time. I know people who still have camp stoves from the 1960's that still work just fine and frankly, it pisses me off that we no longer make products that last.

And so I called Campmor, where I bought the stove, seeking help.

All I wanted was the hose replaced, but when I described my predicament to the service rep, he asked for the information in order to look up the purchase. Finding it, his response was “Well....the stove is slightly past the warranty period(it was a year and three months old).” Then he paused and continued in a sort of nudge,nudge/wink,wink tone, “But this sounds like a defect.” He emphasized that word “defect” like a politician trying to rally it's citizens to a just cause. “If you want to send that stove back to us, we'll gladly have it replaced, or refund your money if you don't want to chance a similar thing happening again.”

Now – is that customer service, or what?

Truthfully, I hadn't expected that. What I thought would happen would be that he would tell me, in an understanding “ain't it a shame” tone , that there was nothing he, on behalf of Campmor, could do. I just wanted to be able to say I did my very best, before going out and laying down $70 of the quickly dwindling cache of cash I had in hand.

And so, of I went to locate a box suitable for packaging, and shipped it back to to Campmor. After checking with the post office, and then a mailing service for UPS rates, I chose the least expensive option, Parcel Post, which cost $18, and would take ten business days in transit.

With the turnaround time to get the replacement, I felt a conservative estimate of my time without the stove would be at least twenty days, and three weeks with no stove was obviously not a workable scenario. So, back I went to pick up a stove to use in the interim. This was a bit of an odd situation to find myself in, because...well – wouldn't MOST people, knowing they would be buying a replacement anyway, NOT have gone through the efforts of replacing the original as well? Wouldn't the just have taken the hit, felt indignant about the shoddy workmanship and customer support that our country has become famous for, and brought the story up at campfires every time the word “stove” was mentioned, for years to come? Wouldn't they have used that justified outrage as salve to the dress the wound?

Say what you will; maybe that wouldn't be YOU.... but I have heard enough similar war stories in the last few years to know that in fact, yes, that is what most people would do.

I am not most people. Never followed the flock; why would I? Sheep in the flock are constantly getting either eaten by a wolf or mercilessly slaughtered after having done nothing but trusting and naively following their supposed master's wishes their entire existence.

But still, I faced a conundrum. In my aforementioned search for replacement parts, I went to several camping, outdoor sports stores, and even sunk – much as it irritated me, to the depths of...you know where...

Yes, I went to the WalMart for the first time on this trip other than to sleep in their parking lot and use their bathroom. I had made a pact, when I took off on this trip, that I would NOT spend one penny in a WalMart. Nor any of the other Big Box behemoths which are – no have – ripped the seems out of the fabric of our communities across the country.

I would have bought the replacement stove from a smaller location. But.... First I went to Yellow Mart, a local sporting goods store. The clerk there had greeted me and taken me directly to the camping section of the store, right to where the hoses were stocked. They had a nice selection, and at first it looked promising. Unfortunately, the hoses were all for the Mr. Heater products they also carried, and when I noticed this out loud, the young woman seemed disappointed as she noted “Oh, those probably won't work. I'm sorry.”

I WANTED to buy from them - and I did buy one of those camp stove toasters, which I later saw at WalMart for an entire dollar less – same item – and felt outraged, but not at the mom and pop op struggling to survive, but at WalMart, and their collusive supplier, for taking advantage of the system. But that's another story, and one that may have you scratching your head over, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I assure you – there are several things wrong with me, but my anger at what corporatism has done to this country is not one of them.

But Yellow Mart had only stoves which could not hook to a twenty pound cylinder, and not of the type with wind shields, which – flimsy and nearly useless as they are – do provide some screen from the elements, and thus are an important feature for someone cooking outside regularly. They also had larger, mess-style, stoves which for a moment I coveted... before quickly stopping myself from purchasing something that wouldn't even fit into my van.

Next I went to Big Something, a regional chain. This, I knew, was dancing on the precipitous ridge of corporate consumerism. Regional chains, as you can guess, are the spawn – well, the mother, in reality, of Big Box Supersize, consuming the plankton that is the base of societies ocean. Not seen as quite as bad as Big Box – they really are, from the moment the sell out of private ownership and the word “stock” does not bring to mind images of shelves laden with quality goods, but the other kind of stock. You know – the one that probably first came to mind for you when you read the word.

They had several styles of stoves. And several employees, many of whom walked past me as I tried to remove boxes from top shelves, and said nothing. Nor did they say anything as I began carefully opening the boxes, to see if the connectors would fit for my twenty pound cylinder's hose. But they certainly WATCHED me as I tried to self-serve. I knew they wouldn't know the answer anyway, but it did annoy me that nobody came to see if I needed assistance.

Finally I realized that none of these would work, except the Coleman style, prices at something like $75. Except it wouldn't work with the hose I had, since my stove is not Coleman. And they didn't stock – there's that word again! - extension hoses. Not their fault, really(or is it) – Nobody stocks items that don't meet whatever number has been crunched to show a proven Return On Investment at a set percentage any more. Who CARES if someone does, occasionally, need such an item, and it wouldn't be THAT much a burden to keep one on the shelves, patiently waiting for a buyer. THIS, my friends, THIS is one small link in the chain which locks us within the cage that is corporate consumption.

Still, I would have bought that stove, if they would have matched the price should I have seen it cheaper elsewhere. I felt it likely that WalMart had that stove, and also felt that if this regional chain wanted to play at the game, they should play by the same rules that make the game of competition what it is. I asked the next clerk who suspiciously eyed me the question: If I see this stove elsewhere, will you match the price?

Off she went to ask the manager – because she had no idea as to the store policy where she worked. Fibe minutes later, she came back with an answer. “No, we won't, and nobody else carries that exact stove.”

Score one for the competition! You don't have to worry about matching prices when you have enough purchasing power to have manufacturers tweek your popular items in just one little way which differentiates them from the same item elsewhere. Oh – and it WAS different, from the similar item at WalMart(which cost $5 less). The knobs were a different shape and color.

Upon seeing that – I was angry, but you knew I would write that. Still, I needed a damned stove! My plan had been to replace the stove, and sell it when I received the return from Campmor, considering the difference in price what I simply had to bear, but the thought now, of buying something from WalMart because they seemed to have won the Battle of Competition, seemed as irritating as the proverbial burr under the bronc's saddle.

“There has to be another option” I thought, “but what could it be?”

Then I saw what I thought was at least a compromising answer, though looking back I could see the the Evil WalMart Market Researching Scientists had already run this comparison brand test thoroughly, and had seen the test rabbits(that would be people, like you and I) come to this particular dead-end in the maze. What did they do? Why they offered a version – similar enough to be recognizable as an alternative, yet different enough to not humiliate the consumer with the victory cry of “Gotcha!” being blasted over the announcement system, and SO much less expensive that the bunny temporarily forgot the dilemma they had originally faced.

Somehow, as if in survival mode, I heard a little voice inside... “Terrie, you've GOT to eat!” And, forsaking my pledge, I submitted. The rabbit had been snared, with a $34.88 price point – almost half the price of the recognized brand - Coleman.

But, you see, Coleman had been tainted; caught in the WalMart snare, they too had capitulated, when they took their shiny, new, obviously updated in style item, and changed out the knobs. This had been done so they had an out with their customers, when customers came in and said “WalMart has it for less.” and asked for a price match. You see – because the smaller chain does not have the same ability to make deals with WalMart for price reductions based on massive quantities(and if you think this ISN'T happening, I can assure you from my previous front row seat as a handbag designer working with ALL the Marts, that it most certainly is happening), they really ARE taking a loss if they have to match prices.

Now back in the day, the price match seemed a smart defensive maneuver to play. Local customers WANTED to buy from the more local business, and the price match worked for a while. Until people realized that they had to go through the effort of asking for price match; dealing with having management called and any other number of delays, each and every time the issue arose. Some gave up immediately, and became WalMart customers; others more slowly. But eventually enough people stopped making the effort that the smaller stores understood what was happening. They couldn't go to Uncle WalMart and complain... but they COULD make the sales reps at their suppliers uncomfortable. After all – hadn't they been customers for years and years? And one day, some person somewhere within the bowels of some company realized they could placate customers by offering an out. The item COULN'T be price -matched, because it wasn't the same item. Viola! Problem solved.

Peeved as I was, I figured I'd use the stove for the tow to three weeks my original was out of commission, and placated myself with thoughts of returning the stove once my good one was back. “I'm not satisfied” would be my reason, and stated with a steadfast Make-My-Day attitude. After all – how COULD I be satisfied, after all this?

At heart I knew a few days would pass; I'd get over it, at least enough to accept returning the stove after using it was beneath my code of ethics. I'd most likely post if for sale at half price, or give it to the first interesting person who said they would like to buy the thing, but couldn't really afford to.

But that's not the way things went down.

The stove truly lived up to the “get what you pay for credo.” Or at least according to what the market feels one should be paying, for a camping stove. In my opinion, a $35 camp stove ought to work – in the operative sense – as well as any more expensive model. The BTU level was lower on the cheaper version, and so I did understand that cooking would go a bit slower, but other than that. The thing appeared to be rather similar to the Coleman version, albeit quite pared down.

The first meal did take longer to cook than usual, as expected. Boiling water for coffee in the morning also took about twice as long. It irked me to be using a one-pound cylinder when I had the more economical bulk gas waiting in the van, but at least it wasn't taking 15 minutes of reconfiguring the hose attachments and lighting process to go! Oh yes – the cheapie did not have a pietzo lighter. Not that striking a kitchen match requires any more effort that pressing the electronic ignition, but I will admit I had become habituated to system, and found it an annoying reminder of my discontent to have to go to the van and get out the box of matches when I went to use the stove and realized I had forgotten the need to light the gas.

I was just about through with processing my anger over the whole stove saga, when I went to make coffee on the third day and the stove wouldn't light. The gas was not coming through at the burner. Why – I couldn't say. The stove construction seemed extraordinarily simple, and as I examined the links in the chain, there seemed no reason for the problem. The cylinder had gas, the regulator was correctly attached and pressurized, yet when I opened the valves to light up – no gas was coming through.

Going over the owner's manual, it was clear I had used the proper sequence in setting up the thing, not that there really was any way to do otherwise. The only possible explanation I could find was a warning note, saying that the propane cylinder must be placed in a manner that the connecting nozzle was upright. Under no circumstance, it warned, should you set up the stove with the cylinder inverted, and to do so would “void the warranty!”

Well! If you ask me – if fast food coffee cups contain a warning explaining that the contents is hot, and if plastic bags caution against letting children put them over their heads -it seemed reasonable to me that if the inverted cylinder set up was that much of a problem, they MIGHT have placed the disclaimer somewhere a bit more prevalently – like IN the Stove Set Up Directions section of the papers, instead of under the warranty information.

Not only that, I was incredulous that this should even be an issue. No other stove rolls over and dies if the cylinder is attached with the nozzle downward. In fact I would say that the majority of camp stoves I have seen on picnic tables over the years have the cylinder attached that way, never the worse for wear.

“What a piece of garbage.” was what came to mind upon reading that disclaimer. I HAD pointed the cylinder downward when I screwed on the regulator, but in use it was in the “required” position. The cylinder was upside down for an entire two rotations as I screwed on the fitting, as I used the weight of the cylinder to aid in seating the attachment. If THAT killed the stove, then that stove was such a shoddy piece of craftsmanship, the company that would intentionally produce it didn't deserve to stay afloat, I thought. And Walmart should be ashamed as well, for putting out products that are truly crap and not worth a dollar, much less almost thirty-five of them.

I hauled that stove back to Walmart and asked for a refund without the slightest qualm.

The woman at the Customer Service counter gave me my money back without even asking what was wrong. No wonder people fall into their tangled web...

In the time between the cheap stove purchase and getting it returned to the store, I was without means to cook. This sucked, obviously. I dined the first night on a meal of cheese and crackers and felt it was fine, but I knew that, come morning, I would be jonesing for java. I had attempted the stove, even though I knew it was a lost cause, and with plenty of sighs, irritated hisses and no doubt swearing, I realized my camping neighbors didn't give a damn. They ignored me in the way one does an ant circling near their picnic – let them be but keep an eye out in case you have to save the food. I knew that if such people weren't about to offer any assistance, or even ask what the problem was, that the next morning would be no better. Should this ant come crawling to their kitchen asking if I might heat some water on their stove, the answer would be no.

I went to bed worried....

The next morning, the neighbors silently prepared their own breakfast. Hell – they didn't even speak with each other; I could almost feel the animosity. They KNEW I had no stove, and their eyes never – not once – came across the imaginary picket fence between us. Thank the universe there was a neighbor on the other side!

He was a European man, camping alone, and had begun taking down his tent while he boiled a cup of water on a small butane-powered single burner. I waited, figuring that when his water was ready, I would humbly ask for assistance.

It took a long time. A really long time. I wondered if that water wasn't boiling down to nothing in the time I waited.

Eventually he poured some powdered coffee into the mug and took a sip. I made my move, ambling over and saying “Morning!” as I crossed that imaginary picket fence into his yard.

A friendly guy. He smiled and raised his cup. I knew I would not be denied.

Explaining mys situation, he said “Sure you can use it. Would you like to have it?” He explained that he was departing today, on his way to the airport, and due to baggage weight, would not be taking the stove with him. He had bought it for the trip only.

Well, what a lucky day for me! I thankfully accepted his offer and couldn't believe it when he added a second canister which he'd not needed. Then he said “I also have this tent. Can you use a tent?”

Well, I didn't need that tent, but I did tell him I would either find a home for it or take it to the thrift store. For his kindness, I gave him my ClimbAddict Designs business card and told him to pick out any item from the shop. Upon hearing my designs are climbing related, he told me his daughter was a climber, and he would pass the card to her, but as of yet, I haven't heard from either of them.

I sat and talked with him for a while, and when I happily went back to camp, I set up the stove, filled a pot with water, lit the thing and patiently waited.

And waited. And waited. And, with impatience brewing stronger than any coffee I ever drank, waited longer. It was Walmart backpacker stove, by Coleman. A word of warning to anyone who actually needs a stove to survive on a backpacking trek – this model will not do the job. You will use two to three times the amount of fuel as normal, and still have lukewarm food.

Alas, it was all I had, and for the next several days I limped along, taking half an hour to brew coffee in the morning and a lot longer if I wanted a hot meal at night.

Soon enough, the canister of fuel was used. It would be at least another week before my replacement from Campmor arrived and I was faced with the dilemma of continuing on or buying a better stove. I decided to look at Nomads for a real backpacker stove, figuring it would be a sound investment which could be used in lieu of the bigger stove at times. But after scanning the price tags – not a one under $90, I declined. I would just have to make do.

And I did make do, but it did not feel good. Meals were a struggle, and cheese and crackers were more palatable than even heating soup, just because of the time factor involved.

Oh well...

Eventually it became time for my stove to arrive. I was anxiously awaiting word from my friend receiving it here in Joshua Tree when I got an email from Lauren in New Paltz. The had sent the stove to her place! How, one might wonder, would that happen? It was because her address had been the one I used for shipping on an earlier order; it was in their computer system. I had included a letter with the stove I'd sent back, clearly stating that I was traveling, and provided the Joshua Tree address. They didn't take note, for some reason.

Oh no.....

I needed that stove and asked her to send it as quickly as possible at a reasonable shipping charge and suggested it would cost at least $20. When she got back to me with a $38 fee and 3-5 days travel, I felt I had no option but to do it. I told her to go for it and waited.

And waited.... as she couldn't get back to the post office for a few days.

Eventually the stove did come. Halleluja!

I was still peeved though. I had gone nearly a month with no decent stove, and it had ended up costing me as much to get this replacement as I had spent on the stove in the first place. If this were a game of strategy, I had played poorly.

Deciding to call Campmor and let them know what had happened, I never expected them to make good on the shipping. Yet that is exactly what they did. The man listened to my story, looked up the record in the computer and said “How much did you say you spent in the shipping?” When I gave him the cost, he replied “And what address should I send the check to?” No questions asked, no documentation. Let's see Walmart match THAT kind of customer service!

I was quite pleasantly surprised, expecting only an ear to cry into for a minute or two and an apology. But, I didn't want to bother my friend with another bit of mail coming to him, and so I asked if they could credit the account and I'd use it at another time. “It's done” he told me.

So. Perhaps I played the Saga of the Stove poorly, but it does seem I came away with consolation prizes. Not only has Campmor provided great customer service even after a mix-up on their part, but I did not succumb to the Big Box Bullshit. It was a struggle, mind you, but in the end, it is with a feeling of satisfaction that I stayed true.

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Camp Cooking - TV Dinner?

Remember those Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinners from the 1970's? Well, I do and I'm not too embarrassed to admit that they fall into the category of comfort food for me.

See, when mom and dad had a night out planned, cooking for eight children would seriously have cut into the prep time my mother needed to get herself ready for the evening. Eight kids? There WAS no open time available, and so she would create it by employing the magic of "convenience cookery."

It might be pizza or hamburgers my father brought back from town, a 20 mile drive away, and that was a real treat. Being a kid whose mother was adept at gourmet american fare, we usually had full meals with good, hearty food covering the four groups, and to get the stuff that other kids considered the norm was a pretty big deal. But sometimes dad was too busy and couldn't coordinate the fast food run with his work run. That's when mom would pop Pot Pies or TV Dinners into the oven for us.

There's something about the meal being self-contained in the little tin plate(yes, I know it's not really tin) that made it very novel, much like the cut-away Kellogg's single serving cereal boxes. We never had those at home either, so to go to a friends house and see a cupboard LADEN with those sugary breakfasts, and get to jack the box open myself was like....well, it seemed nearly like a wilderness experience to me, at the time.

So....even though I know that sort of food is crap, I can't help but have fond memories when I think of them. Memories of mom and dad out of the picture momentarily and me on my own. To get into whatever mischief I cared to, untethered by the cumbersome leash concept of being caught red-handed.

Which brings me to the point of this post. As is my habit, when I am writing about food prep and recipes I use in camp, I title the post "Camp Cooking." This means I will follow through and provide said recipe/technique. I do keep my word in such matters.

So.

If you, too, have childhood memories of those Swanson's meals, you are going to like this one. I happen-chanced upon it accidentally, on a weekend when I was rained in with no tarp to facilitate an al fresco kitchen. I had brought my usual stock of dinners, which are usually a bit time intensive, what with the chopping of vegetables and such. The rain was SO hard that it was simply not possible, for even if I did the prep work inside my tent, I'd still have the two-burner stove to contend with, and I knew it would succumb to the flood in a hell of a lot less time the forty days Noah floated through.

The night was waning. And my hunger was gaining. I started to think it was going to have to be a cold meal of pretzels and cookies for desert. Since I had set up the tent in rain and was soaked to the core, I really wished for some warmth. Well....my wish sometimes seem to command...something. For just as I thought the thought, the winds and rain began to simmer down. Luck! The torrent was ending!

Of course it was late by then. But I was hungry, and I wanted to eat. Not paradoxically, I was hungry, and I didn't want to wait! So, I did a mental inventory of my foodstuffs and I did what I knew I had to do. I broke into Teddy's stash of chicken deli meat.

Yes, Teddy gets deli chicken for lunch on Sundays in the Gunks. Why? because it's hush money. I NEED to pay him off to keep him quiet.

If you are a follower of my blog, you know that I do trailwork on Sundays. We always stop for a lunch break around noon, and the guys bring out good food. Dick Williams usually has fresh, oven-roasted chicken. How could anyone possibly blame Teddy for not doing his best impersonation of a dog in trying to get that booty? You simply cannot. Teddy will give "that face" and when that goes unnoticed, he'll sigh and whimper. Just a little whine, of course. He's well aware of the irritation factor.

But if that doesn't work, he'll stamp his foot and do a "doggy insist" sort of sound, and then strain at his leash to get closer. It's simply not acceptable, but it's also unavoidable. Unless I pay him off. And so, one day I was in the grocery store and it occurred to me I could pack a quarter pound of chicken sandwich meat into the cooler for his Sunday meal. After all, he works hard at being Teddy and does need sustenance.

It happened that the deli man overshot the half-pound request and so I knew, that cold and rainy night, that Teddy would never miss it if I poached his chicken.....

"Now, what can I do with this?" I asked myself, and then remembered that I had added a pouch of instant mashed potatoes to my kitchen bin, and a packet of instant mushroom gravy.

Suddenly, I was overcome by the memory of a particular childhood evening....My parents were going to a benefit dinner and mom was dressed in a glittery sliver and charcoal full-length sheath, carefully applying Red red lipstick in the mirror, and worrying about how she would get from the car to the hall entrance where the benefit was being held without being ruined by the rain that had been pouring in torrents for the last three hours....

She had made us TV dinners that evening, and she brought them to us at the table in that outfit. Hair perfectly coiffed, makeup in place and dressed to the nines. Just like in the television commercials! Ummm....sort of.

I knew I had the makings to create a reasonable facsimile to that tv dinner of the past..... Well, at least the meat and potatoes part. Good enough for the beta version. On later attempts I would bring along a small can of Green Giant peas, to complete the effect. Well...okay. I still haven't figured out the cranberry cobbler desert. You're on your own for that one, though I think it would be easy enough to manage with a bit of thinking.

So - here's what you do:

Take a pot and make the mashed potatoes. You'll need water, dried milk and butter, plus the potato flakes. As the liquid heats, begin the gravy in a separate pot. Note: Do NOT use McKormick instant gravy. That stuff is bad, and not in a good way. Knorr's makes a decent brown gravy, and I have found the vegetarian mixes from stores like Whole Foods are very good(considering), too. Especially, I like their mushroom gravy. It actually has a....few....bits of mushrooms in there, so don't be frightened if you get a sliver. It's supposed to be there, I'm pretty sure.

Be watchful of the gravy, because it lumps and burns easily. You need the lowest possible heat setting and still pretty much need to stir constantly. If beer is part of your meal prep regimen, you should take care to handle that task beforehand, as a trip to the cooler in situ will be your undoing.

When the potato water is boiling, add the flakes, and stir them up. Then, cover and turn off the heat source. Now, add some of that deli chicken(or turkey, or roast beef) to the gravy. Just tear it into shreds, so it fits into the pot and heats more quickly The you won't have to worry about cutting it up on your plate. Unless you're a purist, and are going for the aesthetic appeal. Your call.

For the vegetables - as I said, a mini can of green peas has a very similar texture as the back-in-the-day tv dinner. I tear off the label, pour out most of the liquid, and set the can on the stove very near one of the other pots to heat it up. (Oh yes, my cooking stove is one of those flat two-burner types. I don't know how people cook with single burner units. If I had to do that, I'd have to have two units. Sometimes, I even secretly wish my stove had three burners.....).

So, that's about all there is to it. The meat is thinly sliced and heats very quickly. Just having it in the hot gravy for a minute does it. You don't need to have heat on the gravy to finish it off.

If you are camping with another, I suppose you have to dole it out on a plate. Maybe it would be cute to invest in some of those divider-style ones.... In metal, dammit. If I ever see them...I am getting them! But I am alone, and I just pour the gravy and chicken into the potato pot and eat from that.

The first time I had the peas, I thought.... "Why not add them to the meat and gravy to heat them?" This was a mistake. Learn form my blunder. Even though it all ends up in the same place inside you, it just doesn't work. It ruins the whole effect. Creates a chemical reaction of some sort. Blechk. Maybe fresh garden peas would be different, but then it wouldn't be a campsite tv dinner if you had fresh peas, would it?

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Camp Cooking: Two Dirt-Mex One Pot Meals

Nearly every time I have gone to Joshua Tree, I've traveled solo. A few weeks before I head out, I hit up the climbing forums with partner requests, and see what shows up. In one of these instances, a prospective partner was a guy who's since been dubbed "The Big Enchilada."

He was a big guy, by any climber's standard. And he was a proud Mexican-American; a lawyer who had become rather successful. He rolled into Hidden Valley in a Porshe, and proceeded to regale me with stories of his prowess as an old-school climber(his rack was vintage, to be sure), lawyer and lover.

But those stories, at least the climbing parts, are for another post. Along with the pride the man took in the above aspects of his existence, he mentioned being great in the kitchen with traditional family recipes. Early in our first meeting(he was staying in Jtree for the weekend), he mentioned he'd like to share a breakfast, showcasing a wonderful recipe i was sure to enjoy, since I had said I loved mexican food.

The recipe was a mixture of stewed tomatoes and fried tortillas. Of course there were other ingredients.... And it was - delicious. Alas, I cannot give that recipe, for when I attempted to recreate the masterpiece, I botched it big time. while I can certainly make a passable facsimile, if one isn't too discriminating, I just don't feel right trying to pass it along. You'll need to search and find on your own, and if you locate the dish, I feel confident you'll agree that it is wonderful.

I tried the dish once in camp and was left disappointed, but the attempt reminded me that the humble bean burrito might be an excellent in-camp dinner. So, as I shopped for my camp foods the next time, I picked up a stack of tortillas and the other ingredients, looking forward to the meal. Of course, a burrito usually is made with a large-sized tortilla, but I wanted to be able to heat the thing, and so I chose the smaller size, believing I'd simply make a few small ones instead of one large.

That was a bad idea.... Especially in cold weather, it's difficult to keep the beans warm enough to last for the second serving. But it's just a pain in the butt to have to stop and put together the thing. After a good day of climbing, I want to eat, sit by the fire or read a bit and then - crash. Not be spending time delicately handling mini burritos, so as not to loose have the filling before it got to my mouth!

My burrito idea wasn't a complete failure, but it was far from a success. The simple fact was, in order to not overfill the small tortilla, I couldn't use much of each ingredient - beans, tomatoes, onions, avacado and cheese. the meal was too much tortilla. Besides that, having the chopped ingredients setting aside in wait would be like sending a picnic invitation to my fellow campmates - bugs.

I went home that week wondering what to do. What to do....

I can't remember how it occurred to me that I could make the "One Pot" burrito, but when it did, I knew I was home free. I could hardly wait for the next weekend, to test it out. Here is what I did:

- First step is the beans. use a big pot, because you'll be heaping the rest of the goods on top, and eating directly from it. Of course, if you are cooking for more than one and not prone to share so intimately, you won't need so much headspace. Then, you'll simple dish the beans into serving dishes. In that case - make sure the serving dish has the room for added ingredients.

Now, way back when I was dining with the Big Enchilada, he took one look at the beans I had packed and dismissed them wholesale. They were, simply put, unsuitable, to a real Mexican. of which I am not one. So the beans I suggest are Fantasic World Foods refried beans. They also have black beans, and maybe some others. Actually, it was the black beans I had the first time with The Big E, which we didn't use. But I did cook them up later, and as I have since used the refried type, I have my preference. Your opinion may vary.

These beans are lightweight in the pack and easy to cook on the stove. Just add water, heat and stir till boiling, cover and set aside off the heat source. No worry of a burned bottom in the pan, so long as you pay attention at the start and stir occasionally. With a canned bean, I think that's not the case. Besides, while they are cooking, you get the rest of the ingredients taken care of, and it's nice to not have to think about them as you do so.

You'll need to guess the amount you want to use from the packet. I think it is six servings per package, so take what you need and store the rest. A good item to have in your food bin, they'll keep indefinitely, so long as you seal the packet and don't let critters get at it.

So - you've started the beans, and now they are set aside to cook while you prepare the rest of the items. The next think to do is start the tortillas.

Now THIS is the part that I think makes my version so special. You could, I suppose, simply use corn chips from the supermarket. I don't suggest that, partly because I believe a person should work for their food, but also because I have a breakfast recipe(following) where most of the same ingredients are used. Store bought chips - while they would work - don't seem right in that case. Butm back to the tortillas.

You need a second pan for this. You COULD cook the tortillas ahead of time in the big pot, and set them aside somewhere. They'll be cool or cold when it's time to eat and that's fine. But I like them to be warm.

So - the second pot. Put a slab of butter in there, or whatever oil type substance you use, and then tear the tortillas into bite-sized bits, tossing them into the melting butter. Stir to coat, and let them cook. You will need to stir occasionally, as you don't want to burn them, and you want to rotate the top to bottom pieces so they all get cooked. So - pay attention to your tortillas as you make the rest of the meal.

The rest of the meal is chopping the vegetables and getting the cheese ready. I admit - I buy shredded cheese for camping trips. It is so much easier than chopping from a chunk. So, first I chop some onions, then the avacado, and then tomato. I do this on a plate, and set them aside.

By the time the ingredients are chopped, the chips are cooked. You can make them as crispy as you like, by varying the amount of fat used in cooking. You can do anything form a simple warming to nearly crisp like corn chips. I like to have it come out as - some parts crisped, some parts not.

TIME TO EAT!!!!

Pull up to the bean pot, and toss the chips on top. Sprinkle on the cheese and the chopped vegetables. If you like hot sauce, sprinkle it in there too(I add it to the beans as they are cooking).

Grab a fork and your beverage, get over to a comfy place, and dig in. Yummmmmm.

I suppose this meal should have a name....and I know it's technically more like "Nachos" than a burrito, but I'm calling it "Burrito in a Pot."

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The thing is....if you are like me, and often camp solo, there will be left over ingredients. Not left over Burrito in a Pot; I mean the raw stuff - tortillas, tomatos, avacado, onions, cheese.....

Good news! Here's a really good breakfast dish that utilizes them all. The only additional ingredient is eggs and water/milk and seasoning if you like.

Start by sauteing the onions in butter(or whatever oil you use) in a frypan. If you do happen to have some green pepper in your cooler, that makes a nice addition. While the onions are starting, tear up some of those tortillas and mix the stuff up.

While they are cooking, chop up the tomato, as it will be added next and you want to be ready for it.

I like to have my tortillas chips a little crunchy, but it's totally up to you, so go with what you like. They will soften a bit in cooking due to the nature of the recipe.

Add the tomato and stir.

I usually sprinkle on whatever seasonings I use at this point. This bit of cooking doesn't take long at all, so get your eggs ready. Break them open into a separate dish and mix in a little water or milk if you want. Otherwise, simply scramble the eggs before adding to the cooking ingredients.

When the tortilla, tomato, onion mixture is where you want it, pour the egg mixture over th top. Swirl it around so you have an evenly dispersed pot of food.

Sprinkle the top with cheese, put a lid on it, and let it cook.

Be careful not to burn your breakfast! Turn down the heat if needed and watch the pot.

While this last bit is cooking, get your avacado chopped up if it hasn't been done. personally, I get all my ingredients chopped and ready before I begin cooking. The only "work" I do in real time is tearing up the tortillas as I add them to the pan.

When the eggs tortilla is set, take a spatula and flip it over to cook the other side if desired. You don't really need to do it, and so far I have only once flipped the thing without breaking it. But it's all good. Tastes the same!

So - that's all there is to it. When you are ready to eat, toss on the avacado and eat right out of the pan. If you have more than one person, serve onto dishes and place the avacado on the side.

What should we call this....? How about "Breakfast Tortilla?"

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BONUS RECIPE

This one I have never made, but it shouldn't be difficult to turn out right.... The idea came to me as I was writing the above.

When i was a little girl, we had foster children living with us. I remember them well - Bev, Mike, Gary and Tom. They each stayed about a year, and were about 16-17 years old.

Bev was the first, and as an adult she remained a family friend. One time she had just got back from dirtbagging it in Mexico. This was the late sixties - she was a flower child. She came back with tales of culinary strangeness....like tripe. And calves brains. ICK!!!!

But there was one mexican specialty that we were happy to have, and we loved to watch her make Christmas Tortillas. Of course, she made them from scratch, starting with a flour mixture. I am going to use our store package tortillas as mentioned above, but if you know how to make tortillas by hand - go for it. You will surely be a hit in your campsite!

So.....put the butter in the pan. Tear up those tortillas and add them in. Sprinkle some sugar and cinnamon atop, and stir to evenly coat. Saute till crisp, and then pour them onto a paper towel or something(paper bag from grocery store is a good blotter, or pick up extra napkins when you go into an establishment that has them available along with the condiments at a coffee stop).

Let the oil go away as best you can, and eat them as a dessert or coffee snack. They could also be good for breakast if you have a sweet tooth, but I don't think that's a very good energizing food....

You could probably do a similar thing for a snack with bear at night, if you wanted, by adding salt and pepper instead of the sweet seasonings. It's really just corn chips after all.

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The Humble, Yet Delectable Potato(e)

I am not a Cliff Bar and coffee, nor a liver on beer alone sort of climber. I like real food, and while car(less) camping may reduce options, I'm not about to go without.

This last weekend was the annual Gear Swap at Rock and Snow, and I had stuff to sell. So, I had a choice -bring the gear, or bring my cooler. With a one-ass width and perfect height for sitting, it doubles as a camp chair, but the real reason I bring it is so I can have real eggs, fresh cheese and a packet of sandwich meat(for Teddy). And icy water, cold juice, un-melted chocolates....you get the idea.

But, autumn has begun to fall, and I figured, that with a little innovation, I could pack a full weekend's worth of good food that would be fine without being iced. You have to understand what an issue this is for me....

I am overly picayune about the freshness of food, and have always been so. Even as a kid, I would get grossed out by some of the food prep methods I witnessed, like when Kelly Hinkley's mom basted a Thanksgiving Day turkey with - UGGGHHHH - mayonnaise! This would NOT do, I thought, and there was no way on EARTH I was touching that bird. I can't recall how I got around it without arousing notice, but I do remember being extremely grateful, and knowing there was a God, when she whipped out the Knorr's Brown Gravy packet..... My own mom knew gravy, and how to create a wonderful sauce with the pan drippings. But Mrs H was a modern, platinum blond, 1970's divorcee; cooking was not the one way to a man's heart in her experience.....

I had been dreading the dinner, since the gravy is the binding ingredient in a T/Day dinner. It graces the potato(e)s AND the stuffing, and makes a dry bird palatable. Not to mention leftovers and the final base for soup stock.... I feared it would be green beans and cranberry sauce for me that year. Knorr's saved the event that year.....

And so - I will tell you that my potato(e) recipes to follow here are graced with the magic Knorr's Brown Gravy; surprisingly good, actually, considering how overly salty and otherwise tasteless most packet-based food products can be.

But back to the supposed reason for my food phobia...... Several years ago, one of my friends talked me into visiting a spiritual channeler, who would look into my eternal life, and explain where I'd been and what had happened while I was there...

At one point he mentioned my food issues, and how I felt a real need to insure the preservation/ preparation was properly done. He talked about how I would never - ever - order a deli sandwich consisting of something like tuna or chicken salad, which could have...gagggg, even writing the words....been sitting on a back counter courting Sal Monella and who knows what other unsavory sorts of characters.

It seemed, he said, that I had inadvertently poisoned, and subsequently killed, my own daughter. This was back in the medieval period, before refrigeration, you see. It wasn't totally my fault. But a mother guilt is not so easily diminished, as we have found through - well, certainly not through Freud. But somewhere. Who hasn't heard a mother exclaim "What did I do wrong!" whenever her darling(usually son) was naughty?

So - I poisoned my kid and was apparently skittish about having history repeat itself. And that's why I was a Tupperware Locked-In Freshness sort of girl(I DID love their old tv spots where the fruits and vegetables had deadbolt locks and skeleton key closures... Hmmmmm, it's all falling into place now....).

But first, I have to tell you how I took care of Teddy, who NEEDS meat! At least on Sunday during the trail work lunchbreak, when Dick pulls out roast chicken or a roast beef sandwich.... He won't STND to be excluded from the meat fest, and I can tell you - when teddy talks, people listen. He's part Jack Russel, and he is....persistent.

This was a quandary, because I just didn't know what meat, besides a stick of sausage, I could keep for two and a half days without eliciting my fear of poisoning a loved one. Of course, there was the old standby - canned tuna. But what to do about the (insert late night television horror music) dreaded mayo malaise?

Well - I came up with an idea while scouting my kitchen. I had figured that an onion(which will come into play in the potatao(e) portion of this program) would be okay if I sliced off a bit on Friday night, and kept it in a cool, shady spot for Sunday. This was risky, I tell you, but I thought the temps would probably be in the forties at night, and not rise above the low sixties.

Same with a green pepper, though his fist cut would come on Saturday morning(again - potoao(e) recipe following.....

And when the weather was sunny and warm, I did have a moment, or three, where I second-guessed my commitment. It was bad enough that I had brought a chunk of butter(you'll see...po(e).... But that HAD to be okay, since my mom had kept the quarter in the kitchen cupboard twelve months out of a year, shielded from evildoer microbes by only a plastic-lidded butter dish, and not even Tupperware!

So - the mayo-less tuna salad recipe secret ingredient was....balsamic vinegar! Yeah! I was saved. And - it was damned good, I can tell you. teddy like it too.

What I did was - Dice the onion, dice the pepper, and put them in a (sandwich-bag sized) ziplock baggie. Sprinkle the vegetable liberally with good ground pepper, and toss in a tablespoon or so of the balsamic. Shake it up, zip it good, toss it in another plastic sack(to protect my backpack from the hazard of a toxic spill - I guess maybe that was a bit of transference, but one has to care about something, don't they?).

Don't add the tuna! Let the vinegar do it's marinade mamba for the morning. At lunchtime, open that tuna(I used a can, because for one thing, those packet things are a price rip-off, but also because the portion would be too small to share with Teddy, and also because I wanted to have the additional moisture of the water - well, I had accidentally gotten packed-in-oil, and it was just right. Maybe add a little olive oil if you use water-packed or the rip-off packet).

Don't forget a can opener if you don't have a flip-top can, by the way. So, add the drained tuna to the marinated veggies, and shake it all about. Don't forget a fork either, I suppose I should say. Unless you want to use it on bread, and then you can sort of pour/squish the mixture out of the baggie.

I found this quite refreshing,. and will most likely repeat the thing this week. And Teddy was happy too, especially since he had to exert himself a bit to get to the corners at the bottom. Plus the licking! A dog loves to lick, as everyone knows, and Teddy was in seventh heaven. licking that baggie clean.

So...."What about the potato(e)s?" you are maybe asking. Finally - Here's the potato(e) part:

I bought a bunch of Red Jackets, but maybe I will try Yukon Golds next time. The point is - don't go with boring bakers. Go for the flavor a good potato(e) offers. You're not going to be skinning them alive, so utilize the thinner-skinned tubers.

For Friday night, it was sumptuous mashed potato(e)s and gravy. No more is needed for a comfort food feats, if you ask me. Saturday morning, I used the leftovers for a meal of home fries. Laced with the leftover Knorr's Brown gravy - oh, dear...yummy.

If you're going for the double duty dishes - you've got to plan and cook the batch all at once. Cut them up into small, but not too small, chunks. The smaller you go, the less fuel used to cook, and the faster you get to eat!

Don't start the water heating beforehand. Fill your biggest pot, but not too full; it's fine if the potato(e)s aren't submerged. Cut up all those potato(e)s and commit to reserving some of them for tomorrow's breakfast. Don't forget!

Start cooking, stirring on occasion to get the bottom ones atop and vice versa. While doing that, start the Knorr's Brown Gravy mix. When the potato(e)s are soft, but not quite mashable, remove the biggest ones from the pot and set aside. Those will be the home fries for the morning. let those cool, then put in a ziplock or some other container.

Back to your mashies....Don't forget to keep an eye on the gravy! Stir it often to avoid lumps and burning.

So - the potato(e)s are ready for mashing.....

Pour off a good amount of the water, into a container. You'll need some of it, probably, to get the right consistency, and since you're in camp, you don't want to waste perfectly good water.

Add some butter to the potato(e)s and chop them up a bit. Then add some pepper and sprinkle some dried milk on the top. There's already some water left in the bottom, so start mashing it all together. A camp fork is fine - no, I do not bring a potato(e) masher along on my camping trips.....

mmmmm.......


If you need a softer consistency, add some of that potato(e) water, but be careful unless you want a soup!

Done! Dish it out, or leave in the pot. Top with the gravy and dig in!


For breakfast, chop some onions and green pepper. Put a chunk of butter in a pot(don't use the fry pan, unless you have a big one.... Fry pan, I mean. Sheeeesh!).

Cut up the potato(e)s into chunks the size you prefer. Start cooking.

Warm up the leftover gravy from last night(if you saved any, that is).

Be sure to keep an eye on the tater(s)..... Don't let them burn. Cook until they're at least heated through, they were pre-cooked last night so that's not an issue, unless you didn't cook long enough. Then, it's an issue. Think about how crispy you like them; if you're like me - you like them crisy, and that means more butter and careful tending, as you need to cook longer without turning, but not tooooo long.

Done? Pour on some gravy. or not. And have a delicious hot breakfast.


That's it! Gotta catch the 2:51 Metro North to Poughkeepsie..... Hope you have as good a weekend as I intend to. Climbing tomorrow with a great partner, and then heading into town for the Fred Beckey slideshow.







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"Oh No! Not Oatmeal - Again!"

...and there was Marty, staring at me as I scooped the stuff up like we were about go head out for a seven day trek with food for only three. He looked as though he might heave, and when I asked him if he was ill, he told me that he couldn't stand even the thought of oatmeal anymore.*

He'd eaten so much in his years out there that even seeing someone else partaking set off his gag reflex.

Poor guy; it's hard enough getting food of any sort down first thing out of the tent for most people, and here he was - cutting a staple of the trade out of his diet.

I asked him to try a bite, thinking maybe time would have healed something, and he reluctantly agreed. His spoon hadn't lifted a quarter way from the bowl to his mouth before a noticeable lurching of stomach occurred..... He was telling the truth!

*Though this retelling is basically accurate, some poetic license may have been taken.


Well - It's a trouble, isn't it - the oatmeal quandary? Here's a food well suited for the trail; a hot breakfast to warm one's core, and a source of fiber - heaven knows that's appreciated....at times. And yet, it's a food that brings up childhood memories of the unhappy ilk, or remembrances of meal after meal of the same on a rained out back-country trip. Marty's not the only one I know who hates oatmeal.....

If you're truly a lost cause, may god have pity on you as you stave off death eating cardboard-y, past-the-expiration-date glop bars. But if you're just a little...bored...with your oatmeal - I've got you covered.

There's a few things to consider about the food. First - those instant 'just add water' packets are not what I consider adequate, although I admit I've found a brand (365 Organic Oats & Flax) that's not so bad. Beware one of the top ingredients is cane juice(sugar), but I find it to be less sweet than the more well-known brands.

"Real" oatmeal is what the name says - oat meal. I like McCann's Steel Cut. But it's something like nearly an hour cooking time. When either time or fuel use is an issue, that's a problem.

Perhaps soaking the oats overnight would soften them and reduce the cooking time; I've never tried it.

There are a few "in-betweens," like Arrowhead Mills Seven Grain Hot Cereal, that are less processed than the instant varieties but not the basic product, and that's an option. But the time/fuel element is really the outweighing factor, even in car-camping, for most people. So, usually it's the easier, faster way that people choose, and I can't argue with that.


So - the trick is to dress up that hot morning meal, or fake it out entirely. I've found a delicious(and fast) alternative to the instant oatmeal packet is to simple use a choice granola in substitute. There are so many excellent options out there that you can pack a few different types and have variety. It has a long shelf life, and so long as you seal the packages...travels very well. Plus, the stuff can do double duty as an afternoon snack - lots of people already carry a baggie on the trail to graze along the way.

I prefer a granola that has nuts included, and that gives extra nutrients, and I also like as close to raw as possible - not those clumped by some sweetener varieties. And...I also try to stay away from the corporate brands; granola is an easy mom & pop type op, and a great opportunity to support you local business; just look around, and I bet you'll find some small manufacturer within a few hundred miles of yourself.

Take that granola and toss it in a cooking pot. Add some milk(or dried milk and water), turn on the heat, and in the same time as it takes to heat that instant crap - you've got a much more palatable and nutritious food ready to eat. Or, just heat the liquid and stir it into your bowl of dried granola, for a crispier texture and still heat your insides when the temp is cold on the outside.

Whether it's a granola-based breakfast or a variation on traditional oatmeal - add-ins are what makes the difference. Before I give my cooked apples recipe...well - I might forget, so I'd better do that now....

Take an apple(here's a chance to use the "less attractive one of the bunch - maybe you carried him in your pack all day yesterday and didn't get to consume, and now that apple's looking like he's been in the boxing ring for a round or two), and cut it up.

I don't care how - slice fat or slim, cube, dice, whittle away or hack attack with your plastic camp knife - it doesn't matter to me. Put the apple pieces in a small pot, add sugar and some butter(an easy way to add some fat in your diet), and simmer until it's hot(however soft you prefer, whether it's just heated and still crunchy, or practically apple jam. Yummier - add brown sugar. For the road, I use a granulated form since it stores well, not hardening into a rock.

Maybe you believe white sugar is the devil.... If that's the case, substitute honey(add water to create a syrup) or another sweetening agent. Or just use apples and water; doesn't matter. The point is that you're concocting a warm delicious topping to get more fuel in your body for a day out adventuring and spruce up what might otherwise be a bland breakfast.

So - you've cooked those apples down. Simply pour over the top of the oatmeal/OM substitute and dig in.

Another way that I have come up with to add nutrients and flavor/texture to gruel-type foods is to stir in dried nuts, fruits and/or berries as the meal cooks. I like the added crunch and taste of roasted almonds, which tends to be a nice contrast with the pudding-like texture. If, in fact, it's the texture that skeeves you when you think of the stuff, this might just be your salvation.... The dried fruits also pull second shift as part of your grazing snack later in the day.

Blueberries or cherries are my dried fruits of choice, but the options are really unlimited. If they(or you) make it, you can add it. Banana, apple chips, mango - whatever. I put them in right away, because I like them to be fully soft in my finished meal. Note: you will get a blue-tinted mixture with blueberries, not that there's anything wrong with that....

One other option, and this is definitely a throwback to the Chocolate Malt 'O Meal from the 1970's, is to add cocoa to the mix. Not, mind you, crappy Swiss Miss or other instants. I mean - real cocoa. The kind that costs you, stuff that hasn't been processed to a powder form. I am out right now, so don't have the suggestion off hand, but if you look in better markets, you'll find it. I've never had this, but I imagine that, mixed with banana chips, it might be pretty damned good!

And that brings me round to something else! That excellent cocoa goes nicely into the coffee pot, for cafe mocha, a superbly luxurious beverage for a pick-me-up on a cold afternoon at the crag. Just bring along the Jet Boil, or other lite stove and small pan, and get to it. Keep in mind this stuff needs to steep in hot water; it's not a 'stir in at the last minute' sort of ingredient.

Is it hot cocoa with a kick, or coffee with a chocolate kiss? That's up to you, depending on the ratio you use. Keep in mind that real, good, cocoa has caffeine in it. This is not your toddlers drink; you will feel the difference.

So, as you can see - when I pack for a road trip or short jaunt to the Gunks, I try to pack items that can go for more than one use. The fruit compote can top french toast, or make it thick and spread on a bagel. The dried berries can be cooked similarly to make a fruit compote too. The granola, nuts and dried fruits are your trail mix.

When I met Marty, the guy from the start of this story, I didn't know any of this stuff. If I had, perhaps things would have turned out different that day; maybe he'd be reborn and once again join the fold of those who imbibe.

And the one other thing I 'll mention before hitting the "post" button is that - if you DO use the longer-cooking oats, and you think you can eat the stuff two days in a row, or more..... make a bigger batch and stow the leftover in your cooler. Next day, all you need to do is heat, and eat.

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Camp Cooking: Brinkman Eggs and Toast

I bought one of those camp toaster things when a few years ago; you know, the metal disk that goes over the cook flame, with wires that hold the pieces of bread at an angle? You’re supposed to put the flame on high to get the thing hot, then turn the flame down, place the bread on it and magically gauge the exact moment when the bread transitions from not toasted one bit, to burnt black in one small section. Turn over and repeat.

It sucked.

No matter how hard I tried – shield the thing from wind, rotate before flipping, pray to the ToastMaster…it still produced a fairly unsatisfactory piece of toast. No type of bread, from high brow to low bran seemed to have an impact.

I gave up after a few tries, though that didn’t stop me from buying a second toaster when Delta Airlines once lost my luggage with ALL my camp cooking gear and clothing inside(never, ever to be seen again, though they did reimburse fully without pause).

Besides – who needs toast, when there’s delicious oatmeal recipes to try (wait until you get the apples and maple recipe… I promise to put it down before autumn kicks in), and crunchy peanut butter and honey, etc. on a bagel. Or even French toast – which isn’t toast as I ever knew it.

But sometimes a person just wants simple eggs and toast, and though you can’t beat the Main Street Bistro in New Paltz for their special (2 eggs, toast AND potatoes for like $1.95), if you are like me, and don’t have a car to get into town, that breakfast is as unattainable as the halfway decent toast I was seeking in the first place.

Until now, that is.

I don’t travel light; that’s always been a problem of mine and even now, I still carry enough crap for a weekend upstate that I get at least a few comments each trip (“Is that ALL you have?” Or “Running away from home?” YES, dammit. To both those questions.) Usually I am up there for Friday night’s dinner, and leave on Sunday afternoon. And I have Teddy of course. So, I pack a lot of crap.

Usually, I bring a loaf of bread, to have with pasta one night and a sandwich on Sundays, when I do trail work and have to share a sandwich with Ted in order to keep him from cajoling others out of theirs. Even so, that loaf barely gets cracked, and back to the city it comes.

A few weeks ago, I was looking at that bread and thinking “I have got to find a way to use more of these loaves when I am up here.” Looking around, I accept the fact – Camp Slime is not Hidden Valley Campground at JTree, where there are dirtbags chirping at various nesting sites in the vicinity. Slime, even for it’s rustic (read: complete) shabbiness, is rarely host to anyone who might be hungry. Offering leftovers or unused goods at a stay’s close will bring looks of suspicion rather than intense gratitude. So, sharing wasn’t an option.

It was at that moment that it occurred to me I could toast the bread in a buttered pan. Now, having only one fry pan, I quickly understood I faced a dilemma. For toast is not really a stand-alone food; toast likes to partner up, usually with eggs. I could have done the poached eggs, in my small pot, I thought. Of course, that’s still always an option. But as anyone who cooks outside knows – everything needs to be cooked and ready to eat at the same time, unless cold food doesn’t bother you. I know – some people aren’t bothered; I am. Poached eggs are tough enough to time properly (in MY opinion), but to have decently made toast at the same time? I don’t know how I could expect that.

And out of that distaste for flawed food, Brinkman Eggs and Toast was born. I know I’ve kept you waiting for the recipe(instructions, really) long enough, but I think you can wait a bit more, as I should say it’s called “Brinkman” Eggs and Toast because my tabletop stove(2-burner, I told you I don’t travel light) is that brand. It’s a Coleman knockoff, but stainless steel. Classy.

So – here’s what you do.

First – use good bread. If you’re going to be taking my advice, take it properly or don’t blame me if you’re not duly impressed with your attempt. Grocery store pre-sliced bread-like food is not really bread as I understand it. To me, good bread is chewy and dense in the center, and the crust is NOT crunchy. I didn’t like scraping the roof of my mouth on Cap’n Crunch as a kid, and I don’t like bread crusts that remind me of the trauma as an adult.

Bread can be simple, or abundant with bran, seeds, olives, fruit and/or nuts. Your choice, but BE&T (Brinkman Eggs and Toast) was conceived with a more humble white bread. That’s not to say crappy (as in …well, we already discussed that in the above paragraph.

One issue that will arise is the fact that camp fry pans are small. Seven inches diameter, unless you’re car camping with the kitchen sink. I may travel heavy, but the cast iron 12-inch pan stays at home. So – choose bread that is not too highly domed. That leaves out round loaves, although I suppose you could simply cut one slice off and then halve it for your two pieces of toast(for toast also comes in sets; am I wrong?).

Alright….the other important thing is to get all your stuff ready before you turn on the stove. Pepper, salt (not needed, since using more butter than a French pastry for this recipe), eggs, plate, turning utensil, butter. Of course, you should slice the bread you’ll use before beginning too.

It should also be mentioned that these instructions are for one plus a small share for a dog. Or one person alone if you don’t have a dog like Teddy, who has become accustomed to sharing meals. Couples and groups – I’m sorry. You’ll have to figure it out for yourselves. It shouldn’t be too difficult. If I had a man (hint, hint), I would simply make one set and share it, and then make another one and share that one too. With buddies and groups, similar concept, only you’ll be sharing the pan, instead of the food. First one in line gets the first meal.

So – FINALLY – Here’s what you do.

Get all the stuff ready and set up your stove. Put a good sized pat of butter in the pan and melt it at a low heat. Oh, yes. I cook as heavily as I travel. If you don’t use old-style basic foodstuffs, you’ll be disgusted by my cooking. Or will have to adapt with ingredients you prefer.

So….the butter has melted. Be careful with the heat. Burned butter is gross.

Set the two pieces of bread in the pan and heat till the bottom is warmed through (you’d guess) but not fully browned. While this is happening, thinly slice some more bits of butter, and place them on top of the bread. You’ll flip the bread, when ready, and the softened butter will work better than having a dry pan.

Flip the bread when you feel like it, and try to get them placed toward the outer edge of the pan, with a ditch in the center. Crack two eggs and put them in that ditch. Depending on your bread choice, you may not have much of a ditch. That’s okay. Just put the damned eggs in the pan. We’re not having a beauty pageant.

Time for the pepper. I like a lot of pepper. And I like good pepper, too. Don’t use Roundy’s Crappy Cracked Pepper and think that’s pepper. Good pepper is….well, you know. Better.

If it’s cold out, cover the pan loosely. Or, if you are in a hurry, or wishing to conserve gas, do the same. Hell – cover the pan. Dinosaurs died for that fuel and there aren’t any more waiting to make the sacrifice. Your loathsome leader might have you believe we have good young men and women doing just that (dying so we can have gas), and maybe you hold that stance too. But, waste is waste. Cover the pan and save the fuel.

Now…. The eggs are beginning to set. It’s time for the flip.

Keep in mind that you’ll be toasting the other side of the bread now, and don’t overcook the eggs, if you like them less than over hard.

Take out a spatula (yes…you NEED a spatula. Well, maybe not. You could probably stab one side of the thing with a fork, pick it all up in one piece and turn it just fine). Yes – everything will be “melted” together. That’s the charm of the thing.

Now, continue to cook the other side…..

Time to eat! Get your plate ready, grab that fork or spatula and turn the entire thing out onto the plate. Now…you’re going to make a sandwich-y sort of maneuver. Remember, the eggs are stuck to the bread. Don’t try to separate them fully, or you’ll end up frustrated. Just get the most of each egg away and place them on one of the piece of bread (well, now it’s actually toast). Then, turn the other piece of toast on top, eggs layered inside.

I eat mine with a knife and fork, because the bread will have butter and eggs all over it. But you can eat it with your hands if that is what you want to do.

This is actually more like a grilled cheese sort of toast as opposed to an in-the-toaster sort of toast. But – the great thing is that it will ALL be one temperature. Nice and warm. And you won’t be buttering cold toast, while you’re eggs get cold in the interim. Unless you didn’t eat it right away.

Anyway –that’s Brinkman Eggs and Toast. The photo's the meal on my stove, just after the eggs were set in the pan.